Blending Families: Surviving the Step-Parent Role

by Jami Cameron

Taking on the task of helping raise a child who is not biologically yours can be a great experience, but can also be overwhelming. You are coming into a situation where a child sees you as an outsider, and may not be too happy with it. Until you came along, that child probably had fantasies of his/her parents reuniting, but you changed everything....

The bad news isn’t over yet – you have one ex-spouse who, more times than not, has a bitter taste in his/her mouth over the marriage and the role you will play in their child’s life.
Add all of these issues up, multiply that by the age of the child, and more than likely, you have a lot of work ahead of you. Don’t worry, you can do this. You owe it to yourself and to your spouse.
You Are Not My Mother/Father.
Anytime you start a family, there is a period of adjustment. The first months of your marriage and new step-parenting role will be the hardest. Everyone involved is learning more about each other – house habits, likes and dislikes, discipline ideas, etc. – which can be a lot to digest in such a short time. When faced with this situation, many in a family may lash out or grow impatient with one another, especially step-children.

While you are not biologically the child’s parent, you do play a very important parenting role in his life. Over time, hopefully the other parent will realize this, but don’t count your eggs before they hatch.

Here are a few suggestions for what to do when faced with hard situations:

The other parent is saying bad things about you (or their ex). This sort of thing is mean, and can break a person’s heart – especially if they are trying so hard to be a good step-parent. Don’t feed into this. The only reason why the other parent is doing this is to get back at the spouse, and ruin your relationship with their child. They are very insecure, and possibly didn’t want the divorce to begin with. Bottom line – the child will get to know you, and as they become older, will understand what the other parent is doing. It kills you now, but it will get better. Ignore the ugly words from the ex, and be sure to correct misinformation the child tells you that their parent said. Don’t say anything terrible about the other parent, take the high road. A good way to give the correction is “I understand that your mom/dad may think that about me, but that is not who I am. You know that. I love you and would never hurt you. They have a right to their opinion.” Always end the conversation with “your mother/father loves you a lot.” It may kill you to stick up for the ex-spouse, but it shows the child that you don’t have ill will towards the person they love.

And a few things to avoid all together:

Don’t ever fight with the ex. When things get heated, it may be your disposition to confront the other person. If that person happens to be the ex of your spouse, don’t do it. This can only lead to bigger problems in the future. Grit your teeth and bear it. Keep in mind that you aren’t required to have contact with them, so don’t.

Don’t ever say “I hate you”. No matter how hard it is to deal with your step-child, no matter how bad they are – never, never, never tell them you hate them. Not only will you sound like a 5 year old, but you can’t take that back once it’s been said.

Don’t ask them to call you mom. It isn’t your place to request a title to be called. If they decide to call you mom, that is their choice to make, not yours.

Don’t put your spouse in the middle. Any sort of riff in a family comes with its stress, but don’t make your spouse fight for you. Your relationship with his son or daughter is just that – yours. You can discuss the difficulties or issues and get his insight, but don’t make him fight your battles. This will only be an added stress, and possibly cause distance in your relationship.
There aren’t any black and white “this is the way to blending a family” rules. Everyone’s situation is unique. The only thing they have in common is they are divorced and are starting a new family including their child from the previous marriage. Nothing in life comes easy, and this is one situation that can take years to change.

Perseverance, hope, faith and love are the only qualities that can make blending a family a great experience. You have to want things to change, and work at changing them. Nothing comes easy, but when you see your step-child’s eyes light up at something you said, or you get a kiss on the cheek – it is the best feeling in the world – and it’s worth all the pain you have gone through to finally arrive at that happy place.