News you can't use

I've come up with my own version of the "Darwin Awards" from today's top news articles...

ALLEN PARK, Mich. -- The body of a 41-year-old man was found in a wooded area next to a guillotine he built and used to kill himself, police said.
The man, from the Detroit suburb of Melvindale, was discovered Monday by workers from a shopping center near his home.
Allen Park Deputy Police Chief Dale Covert said the roughly six-foot tall guillotine was bolted to a tree and included a swing arm. Covert said police also found several store receipts detailing the materials used to assemble the device.
"I can't even tell you how long it must have taken him to construct," he said. "This man obviously was very determined to end his life."

Comments: OMG! How distraught must you be to BUILD A F-ing GUILLOTINE! And creative-- 2 snaps for thinking outside the box!!

FORT PIERCE, Fla. -- Police documents said a Fort Pierce teenager told detectives he allegedly killed his parents because he didn't want to disappoint them anymore.
According to documents released Tuesday, Jacob Brighton, 16, said he shot and killed his parents last month because he always felt like a disappointment to them. On the tape he says he did not have a job when his parents wanted him to, smoked marijuana and did not share the same "qualities or interests" as his father.

Comments: What disappointment they must have felt at the moment they realized their son was killing them. And how about just getting a job and not smoking marijuana. Didn't think of that did ya, genius. Hard to think straight through the haze?

NANUET, New York (AP) -- Stomping on garlic with your shoes on is apparently not the correct way to prepare food.

Dan Barreto, who sometimes ate at Great China Buffet, took this picture of garlic being stomped.

The Rockland County health department hit the Great China Buffet restaurant with two violations after someone took pictures of an employee stomping on a bowl of garlic with his boots in an alley.
The photographer alerted health inspectors.
"I go back there, and the guy's stepping on garlic," said Dan Barreto, who used to eat at the restaurant. "There he was just jumping up and down on it, smashing it up, having a good time."
The health department does not consider a person's shoe or boot a proper instrument to use in food preparation, senior public health sanitarian John Stoughton said Tuesday.
"It was a novel way to prepare food," he acknowledged.

Comments: "Huhhh Uh Uhh. Huhhh Uh Uhhh. Hey Beavis. Huhhh Uh Uhhh. He said instrument. Uhhh Uh Uhh.
Nyeah, Nhaahaa Nhaahaa. Instrument."
Ummm. Yeah. Real novel idea buddy. Thanks for making sure I never order garlic bread again.

HONOLULU -- A man accused of killing a pet pig may blame the pig as part of his defense.
Joseph Calarudda is charged with stabbing 300-pound "Porky" to death as its owners pleaded for him to stop.
Calarudda is going on trial this week for felony theft of livestock. One of his defenses may be that the pig was aggressive and dangerous.

Prosecutors said they hope to use video of Porky in a television commercial to show how peaceful he was around people. Porky also appeared in the ABC television series "Lost."
The trial could begin on Wednesday.

Comments: "Hey Ned- Shoooot! He's comin' right for us!"
The Pig's name was Porky? Really?
Well, pigs CAN be dangerous. Especially when they let fame and fortune go to their head. *Snicker* -Porky!-HA!